Rebecca’s story: Navigating Cultural Differences
October 2024
WAY member Rebecca, who is also a member of WAY’sCultural Diversity Group, explores some of the challenges of navigating different cultural traditions after her husband died…
When her husband of 17-years died in June last year, Rebecca’s world was turned upside down. “My life stopped then,” she says, reflecting on the moment when Ernest – a British-born Jamaican man, full of the joys of life – passed away suddenly just two months short of his 60th birthday.
There had been no warning at all that Ernest was unwell. The couple had met for lunch earlier that day and he had seemed fine, sharing a ‘meal deal’ in the garden. But when he came from work later that day, he was very unwell. It was a hot day and Rebecca told him to go and lie down. But he couldn’t settle and he died of a heart attack just over an hour later.
The next few days were a blur for Rebecca. Because of Ernest’s Jamaican heritage, there were certain cultural traditions that Rebecca – who comes from a Sri Lankan Christian heritage – and their two teenage sons had to honour.
At the heart of Jamaican culture is a strong emphasis on community, celebration and togetherness during times of grief. The ‘Nine-Night’ – a celebration of life after death originating in West Africa and practised in Caribbean countries (primarily Jamaica, Belize, Antigua, Grenada, Dominica, Dominican Republic, Guyana, Trinidad and Haiti) – is an example of this. Traditionally, it is an extended wake that lasts for several days. Friends and family come together, particularly on the ninth night after somebody’s death, to share their condolences and memories while singing hymns and eating food together.
In the days following Ernest’s death, Rebecca’s friend suggested holding a Nine-Night in his honour. At first, Rebecca wasn’t sure if she would be able to cope so soon after his death: “I couldn’t even handle today, let alone anything else,” she recalls.
However, Rebecca realised that this celebration would be important for Ernest and his family. “If I didn't do it, he would be upset and haunt me for life for not doing one for him,” she says.
In the end, Ernest’s family organised the Nine-Night celebration, which took place in a hall in North London. Although the experience was quite overwhelming for Rebecca, the Nine-Night became a way for her to honour her husband’s cultural roots.
“The Nine-Night itself was very nice,” she says. Around 250 people came out to celebrate Ernest’s life through lots of food, drink, loud music and all-night dancing, and although Rebecca didn’t feel ready to celebrate herself, it was a chance for his family and friends to give his spirit a traditional Jamaican send off.
There were other cultural traditions to navigate when the funeral came around too. In Ernest’s will, he had been adamant that he wanted a burial rather than a cremation, which would have been the cultural preference for Rebecca’s side of the family. At the burial itself, Jamaican tradition involves family and friends singing by the graveside and filling in the grave by hand, which were also surprising for Rebecca: “It was a lot to take in, but I had to respect it,” she says.
Finding a way forward
The challenges didn’t end there. In the months after the funeral, Rebecca struggled with the weight of single-handedly caring for their two sons, aged 12 and 15 at the time of their father’s death, while also working full-time as a PA for a financial consultancy.
To help her cope, Rebecca reached out for help and found support through WAY Widowed and Young’s peer support network: “My sister was the one who found it for me,” she says. “She did everything for me – all the forms, all the research. It took me a month or so, but I eventually joined, and it’s been really helpful.”
Through WAY, Rebecca discovered a community of people who understood her experiences of navigating life as a young widow. “When I joined WAY and the Facebook groups, I saw that there are others exactly in my position,” she says. “You don’t feel as bad then. The WAY community showed me I wasn’t alone. Even though sometimes I don’t want to talk, the times I have spoken, I feel lighter.”
Since she joined WAY, Rebecca has also gone along to a local meet up and has made some good friends who have been there for her as she’s navigated the roller coaster of grief. Not only has WAY provided Rebecca with emotional support, but it has also inspired her to give back as a volunteer too. She became a member of the charity’s Cultural Diversity Working Group earlier this year and helps to moderate several Facebook community groups, including one for people coping with sudden bereavements.
“I wanted to pay it back,” she says, “to help other people in my situation and make things a little less painful for them.”
Through her work on the Cultural Diversity Working Group, Rebecca hopes to show other young widowed people across the UK that there is support and space for everyone, no matter what their circumstances or experiences.
Long road
Grief is a long road, and it hasn’t been without its setbacks for Rebecca. From the challenges of raising grieving teenagers to the strain of maintaining family relationships, Rebecca has faced some hurdles over the past year. She decided to take her sons on a family holiday to Sri Lanka this summer to try and lift their spirits but life can still sometimes be a struggle.
“I count my blessings that I’ve got through the day without incident,” she says. “It’s just too much sometimes.”
Despite the challenges, Rebecca has thrown herself into the job as a PA she’s been doing for the past 23 years: "My job has been a huge support to me,” she says. “They let me have three months off when Ernest died, and they’ve continued to be there for me, even when I’ve had major wobbles around anniversaries or special dates.”
Looking ahead, Rebecca hopes to continue helping others through her involvement with WAY as well as supporting her company’s Diversity, Equity and Inclusion work. She’s also just raised an impressive £5,000 for the charity Child Bereavement UK by doing a sponsored swim.
Another area she’s keen to raise awareness is about the importance of putting plans in place for the future and having difficult conversations with loved ones, in case the worst should happen.
“Ernest had a will, and that made things a bit easier,” she says. “But if we’d have known in advance he was going to die, we would have talked about all the issues like the funeral arrangements and it would have come from his mouth. And I would have known exactly what he wanted, instead of trying to guess.”
Rebecca has persuaded all of her friends to make sure their wills are in place and she is determined to continue to make sure others can learn from her experience.
Sixteen months on, she continues to live life day by day, focusing on tasks one at a time and throwing herself into lots of different responsibilities, knowing that the community at WAY has her back if she’s struggling. “It helps to know that there are so many support sub groups on WAY to vent to, whatever challenges or experiences you are facing!” she says.
Rebecca took part in an Instagram live with fellow WAY member Selina and host Shalini to mark Black History Month. View the full video below.
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