Tips from Winston’s Wish: Telling a child someone has died by suicide

September 2024

Telling a child someone they love has died is difficult enough but explaining that they died by suicide can be even harder. This Suicide Awareness Month, our friends at the childhood bereavement charity Winston’s Wish share some very helpful tips about this highly sensitive topic…

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Often adults don’t want to talk about suicide, but we know from our experience that it is better to tell a child or young person the truth in a way that they will understand. It’s best to try and give children, even young children, truthful information about a death to avoid confusion and misinformation.

The younger the child is, the harder it is to talk about something as complex as suicide. We advise to follow these principles: tell them the truth, as far as you know it, in language they can understand, and in a way that takes into account their understanding of the world around them.

How to tell a child someone has died by suicide

Explaining to a child that the death is a suicide is often a series of steps, each one adding a new level of understanding, building on what the child may already know.

Start with the most important fact that the person has died and add some very simple sentences to explain that the person took their own life, and how. This may be something like ‘they died in a car’, or ‘they made themselves stop breathing’.

Each of these pieces of information may be enough for a child in one go. Give them time to process it at their own speed, until they ask a further question or you offer a bit more information. If you don’t have answers you can say ‘I don’t know’, or ‘I wish I knew, I have lots of questions too’.

Build up information

The pace between these stages is often led by the child’s age and ability to understand death and how much interest they show in knowing more. Also think about other factors, such as the possibility of your child finding out what happened from other people or online.

You can give this information over a number of hours, days, weeks or months, so that the picture gradually gets clearer in a way that helps your child to feel comfortable with it. It can be compared to giving a child the pieces of a jigsaw, each piece gradually making up the whole picture.

Conversations like these will be difficult and upsetting for everyone, but afterwards you’ll probably feel relieved you were able to be honest and that your child can trust you.

Be honest and consistent with your explanation

Events surrounding suicide can become confused and facts may be changed to make them easier to explain. Tell them honestly what you believe to be true and answer their questions as far as you can. If you don’t know all the answers, tell them so and that you will share more information when you can. Make sure that other family members and teachers know what you have told them so they can give consistent information.

Use language children will understand and be comfortable with

It’s important for you and your children to be able to talk about a suicide without shame or stigma. We recommend avoiding the term ‘committed suicide’ and opting for phrases such as  ‘died by suicide’, ‘took their own life’, or ‘ended their life’. Children may hear the word suicide being used so it’s important that they understand what it means.

Share more information as your child gets older

As children get older, they start to understand the world with greater complexity. This means that your child may need to revisit the death as they grow up and ask more searching questions. 

Be prepared to answer difficult questions

Many people worry that one question will lead to another and you may feel ill equipped to provide answers. It’s important to know that you don’t have to have all the answers or understand everything that has happened yourself.

Practise what you want to say beforehand. This will help you to stay true to what you want to tell your child and breaking the task into smaller steps may help to make it more manageable. Don’t try to change the subject. It’s important to give your child a clear message that it’s okay to talk about this and you will try and answer their questions.

What to do if you didn’t tell a child about a suicide immediately

It may be that you found it difficult to talk about suicide immediately after the death and you gave your child a different explanation. If this is the case it is possible to go back and explain things again. You could try something like this:

“You know I told you that Steve died from a heart attack? Well, I’d now like to tell you a bit more about it. When Steve died it was hard to explain exactly what happened and it was hard for me to think straight. But now I’d like to tell you more about how your brother died.”

You don’t have to do this alone

Winston’s Wish has supported many children, young people and families after someone has died by suicide. Our bereavement team can offer advice, guidance and support including helping you have these all important conversations. 

You can reach the Winston’s Wish bereavement team by:

●      Phone: 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays)

●      Email: ask@winstonswish.org

●      Use their live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays)

Winston’s Wish’s specialist book, Beyond the Rough Rock, is designed to help adults supporting a child bereaved by suicide.