Tips from Winston’s Wish: Twelve things I wish I’d known about grief

November 2024

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To mark Children’s Grief Awareness Week, our friends at the childhood bereavement charity Winston’s Wish share the truth behind the common myths about grief and reveal the 12 things it’s helpful to know. 

 

 

1. There aren’t just five stages of grief

There are lots of different ‘models of grief’ that neatly package grief into boxes. It’s often suggested that you’ll go through five stages and then it’ll be over. 

But grief just isn’t like that. Its messy, it’s disordered, and it can jump from one emotion to another and back again. And that’s all OK. Grief doesn’t nicely fit into a box. At Winston’s Wish the ‘growing around grief’ concept is often used to help children understand their grief.

2. Grief isn’t something you ‘get over’

Grief is not an obstacle course that you just need to complete and then that’s it. It doesn’t have a middle and end. For some people, grief can be triggered at different points in their lives. 

It’s an on-going experience. It’s good to encourage children and young people to reflect on their grief, recognise it and cope, or seek more support when they need it. 

3. Getting help doesn’t mean a person is unwell or weak

Children, young people and adults can often find themselves worried about getting the help they deserve. 

Getting help is about acknowledging that a massive, life-changing experience has occurred. Bereavement isn’t an illness. Grief is not something to be solved or fixed. It is part of what makes us human. And it’s important to let those you are supporting know this to reassure them that help is available for as long as they need after their bereavement. It could be one month, or it could be ten years, Winston’s Wish supports bereaved young people up to the age of 25. 

4. Sudden bursts of emotion are normal when grieving

Sudden bursts of emotion don’t mean something is wrong. Grief can be overwhelming. 

Encourage those you’re supporting to embrace their emotions and express how they feel. Talk to them, maybe make a plan for when they suddenly cry, feel angry or anxious. Having a plan, even if they don’t follow it, can make emotions feel more manageable. For some guidance on making a plan for this, visit Winston’s Wish’s self-care kit webpage on Talk Grief for some examples and ways to help outbursts of emotions.

5. It’s OK not to cry

Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it isn’t the only one. 

Some young people often worry about not crying, so it’s important to let the child or young person in your life know that it’s OK not to cry. Grief can be felt just as deeply and powerfully whether they cry or not. 

6. Laughing and having fun is OK

Grief on TV often displays people as being sad, angry crying or withdrawn. But laughter and fun are part of grief too. 

Encourage the children or young person in your life to remember the happy and silly memories of their important person and let them know it’s OK to laugh. Laughing doesn’t mean they’re not still grieving. 

7. You won’t go back to your old self

When someone important dies, it does change a person. It’s essential that children and young people do acknowledge that something big and important has happened to them. Through grief they’ll learn new skills and things about themselves. It might be that they’re more confident or anxious or inquisitive. They’ll be different, but it’s important to encourage them to grow into their ‘new person.’

8. Grief and strained relationships 

When a child or young person has a strained relationship with someone who has died, they will still experience grief. Feelings of relief, regret or a want to repair a relationship are all common feelings and can complicate things. Make sure the child or young person in your care knows their grief is valid and legitimate. 

9. Grief triggers around ‘normal’ questions

“So, how many brothers and sisters do you have?” “How often do you see your dad?”

These are some of the normal questions children and young people face when meeting new people in school and youth groups etc. For those who are grieving it can be complicated. 

Some questions might leave them unsure whether to say their important person has died. It’s good to sit down and discuss this with the child or young person in your life and help them with how they want to respond.

10. It’s impossible to replace someone who has died

Nothing will ever replace the person who has died. Whether a new step parent or sibling is introduced, it won’t be a replacement and that’s OK.

It’s important to acknowledge this and encourage children and young people that remembering their loved one doesn’t belittle or dismiss the new people in their life. It’s also OK to recognise new relationships and try not to feel guilty. Remind them that the love they have for their person won’t decrease by forming new relationships. 

11. Grief can be a physical pain

The death of someone important causes emotional distress, but it’s not always known that grief can cause physical distress too. Grief affects the whole body, from emotions to general aches, pains, sickness and digestive problems. 

Talk to the children and young people in your life about the physical pains they may feel and encourage them to ask for help and support when they need it. 

12. Well-meaning people can say ridiculous things

As a society we aren’t very good at talking about or acknowledging death. 

Sometimes people say the wrong thing. This can make a child or young person who is grieving feel distressed or uncomfortable. Have conversations with those you are supporting and encourage them to be open about their feelings so they can navigate their grief as they grow up. 

Where to get support

Winston’s Wish is a charity that helps children, teenagers and young adults (up to the age of 25) find their feet when their worlds are turned upside down by grief. 

If you are an adult supporting a bereaved child or you are a young person who is struggling with their grief, please call Winston’s Wish at 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays) or email ask@winstonswish.org. They will be able to offer guidance, information and support.