Coping with Christmas: Rebecca’s story

December 2024

WAY member Rebecca, who set up the subgroup WAY WOCS for WAY members without children – shares how she copes with Christmas…

“How do you get through Christmas when you are widowed? Honestly – any way you can. There are no rules for how to cope with (or celebrate) what can so often be one of the toughest times for us.

I was widowed at Christmas. So my memories, lucky me, include the paramedics stretching my husband’s body out under the Christmas tree, and the flow of Christmas cards being replaced with the sympathy ones. There are even cards for the loss of your loved one at Christmas – who knew? Well me now, obviously.

So it’s not surprising that the approach of Christmas makes me feel slightly sick – it’s now also anniversary season, and therefore such a long way from a cause for unbridled celebration. I like to think I could be forgiven for turning my back on it. The best Christmas I’ve had since Keith died was the one where I escaped to Hawaii and it was hardly like Christmas at all – shame I can’t afford to do that every year.

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But the thing is – Keith loved Christmas, loved to invite as many people to visit us as possible, loved to cook Christmas dinner and celebrate totally – and I also want to honour that. So here I am, wrapping presents and writing cards, ordering an organic turkey, and some time next week, I’ll haul my new-tradition living Christmas tree in from the garden and put up lights. The days when I used to wrap over 100 presents are long gone (and not missed), but I still have an awful lot to do. But I can cope. And provided that I don’t think about it too hard, I can love writing and receiving cards.

I am loving the first trees appearing in my neighbours’ windows. Not being distressed by reminders requires a definite effort – I have to slam the doors on the worst memories when they hit me. Being festive doesn’t come without a huge effort, but it does get so much easier as time goes on, and new memories help to ease the bad ones.

But the early Christmases after bereavement are a struggle for almost all of us.

So do what you have to do. It’s ok to cancel Christmas totally and take no notice of anyone trying to make you do anything different. You don’t have to send cards or give gifts if you can’t face it. It’s fine to celebrate as much as you can, because you aren’t being disloyal to your partner, you are making the best of this new life you didn’t ask for. It’s fine to disappear to another country, to spend your time with new or old friends, throw a huge party, or be a total hermit. If you want to kick every single Christmas display in every single shop, that’s perfectly ok (though if you actually do it, best be discreet!), and it’s equally ok if you want to jump up and down with excitement like a sugar-crazed toddler.

There are, again, no rules. And in the end, this season will soon be past.”

If you’re struggling over the festive period, please know you are not alone. The WAY Widowed and Young community is here to support you.