Gary’s story: Navigating life as a widowed dad

November 2024

This International Men’s Day, we speak to WAY Trustee Gary about his struggles as a widowed dad raising a young daughter and how WAY has helped him to move forward…

I was widowed at the age of 31 in September 2017 after my wife Angela battled breast cancer for just over a year. I was left raising our four-year-old daughter Hannah on my own.

Being widowed and a fully solo parent is hard. Being a dad with a young daughter has so many things that most men don’t really expect to be dealing with – and taking that side on has been a challenge. On a few occasions there have been incidents with people being automatically judgemental towards me. 

At first, I felt completely lost and hopeless with what felt like no way of gaining support or help. Luckily, after only a couple of weeks, I was told about WAY through Macmillan Cancer Support. Finding WAY totally changed my outlook on things. I went from feeling like I was odd/weird/wrong for the way I felt to finding others who felt the same way as me.

Through WAY, I found things that helped with keeping going. I attended my first WAY meet up eight weeks after I was widowed – being able to feel like enjoying things again made a huge impact. From there I didn’t look back and I went on to start organising my own events – from pub lunches to curry nights and Ceilidhs.

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When I first started organising these events, it was mostly because I needed something to do. A lot of my friends from before had drifted away. I get it; some people just don’t know how to be there when someone’s dealing with the early days and months of grief. Instead of trying to show up, they avoid you because they’re unsure what to say. Over time, that avoidance just becomes them disappearing from your life. That happened with quite a few people I knew. The friends I do still talk to are busy – they’re married, have kids and their own routines. It makes it hard to feel like life is normal.

So, I started setting up these lunches for other WAY members as a way to get out of the house. It was just about being around other adults. Ideally, adults who understood the ups and downs – the good days and the bad ones. I needed a place to blow off steam, have a chat, and just feel normal for a bit. And it really did a lot for me. It still does, honestly.

What I enjoy most is seeing how others take to it. I’ve got around 19 people signed up for the Christmas lunch in Glasgow! A lot of people seem to really appreciate the lunches because they’re smaller and more laid back. There’s no pressure to stick to strict schedules or worry about ordering at specific times – it’s just very relaxed, which creates an easygoing atmosphere. I like knowing that others get a lot out of it. They enjoy getting out of the house, being around other adults – knowing that it’s helping others just feels good.

I’ve got to know a lot of people through these events. Some of them have become really good, friendly connections. Then there are others I talk to more often and have built a closer friendship with. And there are even a few people now where it feels like we’re as close as if we’ve been best friends for years.

These are people I find it really easy to confide in, and we’ve shared all sorts of personal experiences. In fact, sometimes I find it easier to talk to them about deep stuff than I do with some of my oldest and closest friends, who I’ve known for over 30 years.

One of them is Mark, who lives just a 20-minute drive from me in Glasgow. We bonded over shared experiences with our daughters, who are nearly the same age – in fact, they were born just a few weeks apart. Our daughters, Hannah and Emma, have got a really close bond because there’s so much in common. We try to meet up every month at a local trampoline park. The girls just run about being manic while me and Mark sit and have a coffee and a chat!            

Me and Hannah have also been to WAY meet ups like the PGL weekend away and I’ve met people from across the country that I would never have met otherwise. Hannah has a brilliant time too, as she gets to meet other children who “get it” – kids who have also lost a parent. 

My own family, though supportive, sometimes couldn’t provide the kind of advice or understanding I needed when Hannah asked for guidance on things like fashion, hairstyles or music – especially hard for a wee girl that gets most of their experiences from their mum. WAY members helped with everything from answering awkward questions to just offering an ear on those days when I felt totally lost. 

Finding a way forward

After organising events for the Glasgow area for a few years, I eventually signed up as an official WAY volunteer and then, when the chance came round to become a Trustee, I was interested right away. I wanted to be part of giving back to the charity that has done a lot for me as well as hopefully providing help to others. I was sworn in as a Trustee at the AGM in September. It doesn’t take a massive amount of time. When I’ve got some peace when Hannah goes to bed, I’ll sit and have a look through emails and things. It’s just a matter of putting in the time to keep track of things.

I also went back to college to study architectural technology in 2018 when Hannah started school so I could get myself to a better place for our future. When Angela got ill, this household went from two wages to one wage to no wages within the space of a year. So I had fallen behind on a lot of things and expenses quickly mounted. Although we did receive Bereavement Support Payment (BSP), it didn’t stretch far – it covered the immediate costs, like Angela’s headstone and some funeral expenses, but there was little left over. And the payments stopped after 18 months.

Fortunately, I was offered my first job in the field before I finished the college course in 2020, but Covid hit right after I started work, resulting in furlough with 80% of a two-day wage, which stretched our finances even thinner.

Today, I’m working full time but childcare costs are still a challenge, even though my Mum helps out a lot. Just one of the clubs costs almost the same as my rent. We’ve managed a routine where Hannah goes to breakfast clubs and after-school clubs most days, giving her time to play with her pals and a get to actually doing a job so it works out nicely. 

I’ve got a better monthly wage than before. So overall months are a lot easier than they used to be. But it’s still not the best. It was only the start of this year where I actually finally got back onto being in credit with my housing association for my rent. And that was from before Angela died.

Advice for widowed dads

My advice to other widowed dads is don’t be afraid to ask for help. One of the biggest issues is that so many guys still think they shouldn’t reach out because they’re men, and it’s such an outdated mindset. Over the years, I’ve talked to about half a dozen men through different places – GP surgeries, hospices, and so on – who are widowed and young. I’ve offered to send them links to resources or groups, and sometimes they just say, “No, I’m not doing that.” They brush it off. And that’s a shame.

When you find people who understand, it makes all the difference. There’s almost no judgement when you ask questions – whether it’s dealing with widow brain or being a dad figuring out things I don’t fully get. With the right people, you don’t feel judged for not knowing what you’re doing. If I were to talk to a mum at school about Hannah going through something and admit I’m unsure how to handle it, there might be confusion or subtle judgement because they can’t relate. They don’t understand why our minds work the way they do after everything we’ve been through. So, it’s really about finding those who get it.

Despite all the challenges we’ve faced, Hannah – who’s now 11 – continues to inspire me every day. She’s a very strong-willed and mature child. She’s decided to get her hair cut and donate it to the Little Princess Trust, remembering how her mum wore wigs when she lost her hair after chemo. She asked me about setting up a fundraiser so she could donate proceeds to both Macmillan, for the support Angela received, and to WAY, for everything it’s done for us. We’re planning to have her hair cut on Angela’s birthday in February. Originally, I set a target of £500 but she’s already raised nearly £2,000!

Life without Angela will never be easy, but we’re moving forward, thanks in large part to the community we’ve found and the people who’ve been there for us through some of the darkest times.