International Men’s Day: Building back better as a young widower

November 2024

When WAY member Paolo’s world was shattered by the sudden death of his wife at the age of 30, he set about rebuilding his life – and became a better father, son and friend as a result. To mark International Men’s Day, Paolo shares his story…

“When I was 30 years old, my wife passed away suddenly from a massive intracranial aneurysm, leaving me alone with our eight-year-old son. The experience of becoming a widower was particularly harsh due to the lack of a support circle. Being from Colombia, I had no family around and felt isolated with my son. I had been living in the UK for about five years by then, and my English was intermediate but it was still my second language. Expressing my grief and communicating with others was challenging, which deepened my sense of isolation. I also recently found out that I’m dyslexic, so I understand now why it was so difficult for me to communicate my feelings properly. I just couldn’t find the right words.

At that time, I had just started working as a Spanish teacher at a school where we also lived. It was in a remote village, which made it even harder to interact and make friends. Financial struggles added to my challenges, as my wife left no life insurance, increasing our debts while I started my education career.

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The toughest part was coping with the loss and changes without any support. As a man, it was challenging to be strong while seeking help and opening up to others and at the same time being the support my son needed. Strong is a big word – when I say “strong” I mean pretend that everything is under control and you’re going to be fine although inside you don’t feel that way at all. I just couldn’t cry all day or be sad or depressed because that wouldn’t have been helpful for my son. You have to think and believe and pretend that everything will be fine because they look at you as their heroes and their cornerstone. They don’t have anyone else. They rely on you and if you’re not in a good place, they could be impacted further. 

Although I was not afraid to show my vulnerability, finding and interacting with other men in similar situations was difficult. Generally, I found women more willing to listen, which made finding empathetic men rare and hard. Interestingly, the stereotypical widower portrayed in Hollywood movies worked in my favour. This image of the “widower, undeserving single young father” helped me gain sympathy, especially from women. 

Finding male role models

Raised by a single mother and mostly aunts, I sought male role models. Once I found a peer support network of other young people through WAY Widowed and Young (which was recommended by my GP), meeting other men in similar situations provided support and those role models I was always searching for. Over time, my English improved (still struggle sometimes ha!), and seeing how others coped with similar or worse situations gave me perspective and strength to overcome my own challenges. You really need to find people who are emotionally at the same level so that you can open up. WAY provided a safe space for me where I could just talk. Everyone is so receptive and empathetic – and I finally felt understood. Connecting with other people helped me to heal.

Overcoming many challenges was fundamentally about rebuilding myself and holding tight to what I was and my responsibilities. Being part of a group and absorbing the behaviour and examples of other men around me helped me learn how to conduct myself. So a crucial aspect was reconstructing myself as a man. The person I am today is vastly different from who I was when I was with my wife. Every widower would agree that your life changes completely when your partner dies, but it not only changed my circumstances but also forced me to change as a man.

Becoming a better person

I feel that one way I managed to overcome my fears and the sadness of losing my wife was by rebuilding and re-educating myself as a man. This involved reading extensively on how to be a better father, a better human being, and adapting to a new culture and life as a father and friend. This self-reconstruction significantly improved my relationship with my current partner and the women I dated after my wife’s death. It helped me become a better father, son, and person who could understand other people’s difficulties.

A lot of men rush into new relationships when they are widowed and make mistakes – I think we should be more careful to protect other people and to protect ourselves. I think there should be more awareness about how we deal with new relationships as widowers because you can end up hurting other people, which happened to me. This is some sort of taboo and we need to talk about these things more.

My beautiful partner has been a crucial part of my healing journey. Her kindness, love and understanding have brought light into my life and helped me rebuild emotionally. While my life is not perfect, as being a widower carries deep emotions, I’ve found balance and joy in sharing my journey with someone who truly cares for me. Together, we’ve created a supportive and loving environment where I’ve continued to grow as a person and as a father.

Although I am still sensitive to loss, I’ve learned to reshape my life and become both a father and mother to my son. He is now studying mechanical engineering in America, and seeing him thrive makes me feel incredibly proud. Balancing the role of providing strength, sensitivity and care has been essential to restoring my life after my wife’s death. This journey of growth, while painful, has allowed me to become a better man and father. It is bittersweet to know that such transformation came at such a great cost.”